With a large, multigenerational family, it can be hard to get everyone on the same page. Especially if you’re part of the “sandwich” generation—raising a family of your own while trying to help your elders as they enter the next phase of life. So much is happening all at once that it can be overwhelming, and it’s not always clear what you can do to address the various issues that may arise.
By taking a step back and considering each of your family members as individuals, you can better distinguish their unique concerns and interests. This can help you develop a plan that thoughtfully weighs everyone’s priorities against the needs of the family as a whole and facilitate discussions around key topics that help to ensure your family is able to make informed decisions with as little rancor as possible.
“Transparency can do a lot to help ensure that family harmony remains intact,” says Terri Lyders, an Advanced Planner at Fidelity Investments.
Here are some things to consider when dealing with each of your closest family members.
Your parents
There comes a time in all our lives where we begin to assume more responsibility for the care and well-being of our parents—especially when it comes to their finances and medical care. This isn’t always easy, as it involves a new and often uncomfortable reversal of roles that can be hard for everyone to adapt to. But with the right approach, it’s possible to develop a strategy for keeping your parents safe and secure in their golden years while helping them see the importance of putting together a clear and comprehensive estate plan that can help protect their legacy.
“Have you talked to your parents about their estate plan?” asks Lyders. “Do you know if they have a documented plan? If so, where are those documents? Who have they named to fill important roles such as executor? If there are assets they wish to pass on, what are their hopes and wishes for how those assets are used?” (Learn how to help your parents with their estate plan.)
Getting the answers to these questions is important, but not always easy.
“Many older folks were not raised having these discussions with their parents and thus don’t think about having them with their children,” says Lyders. “It’s just something that wasn’t done.” Furthermore, you yourself may find it difficult to broach these subjects with your parents—it may feel morbid, or you may worry that you are coming off as overly concerned about receiving a potential inheritance. Lyders suggests an approach that could potentially address concerns on both sides of the discussion.
“When speaking with your parents, it can help to frame the discussion in terms of helping them implement their plan in accordance with their wishes,” says Lyders. Having all the relevant information about your parents’ goals, intentions, and values is essential to helping to ensure that they are financially secure and that their legacy is passed on in a manner they find satisfying. This framework could help you feel more comfortable asking these tough questions and give your parents the confidence to answer them.
Ultimately, thinking of yourself as a facilitator of your parents’ goals can lead to more productive outcomes. “The goal is not to impose your perspective on your parents,” says Lyders, “but to hear what your parents are thinking and perhaps provide them with additional considerations that might inform their decision-making.”
Your kids and grandkids
When it comes to your children and grandchildren, you’ll want to strike a balance between giving them the help they may need to succeed while ensuring that they have the skills necessary to make it on their own. This should involve educating them, so they are prepared to be good stewards for the family wealth; being clear about how much assistance you are willing to provide them as they begin their own financial journeys; and developing a plan for your long-term legacy that takes their concerns into account.
“One of the most effective things people can do to help the younger generation prepare is to help them establish investment accounts,” says Lyders. “Get the kids involved in the management of those accounts by giving them some small amount of money and allow them to make the decisions on their own.”
“Part of learning involves making mistakes,” says Lyders. “Giving them the room to make mistakes and then discussing what went wrong can help influence the decisions they make going forward.”
Younger family members should be involved in discussions between you and your parents as well, especially as it concerns the values that underpin the family’s wealth. Understanding the perspective of the older generations and having an opportunity to provide feedback can go a long way to helping prepare them to appropriately manage a future inheritance.
Your siblings
In the best circumstances, your siblings can be a source of strength and comfort—but it’s not uncommon for relationships to become strained when it comes to dividing responsibility for caring for elderly parents or having to manage their estate.
“We often suggest that siblings have a family meeting with their parents in order to go over the details of their estate plan so there are no surprises,” says Lyders. This way, the parents can explain their decisions—how they came to determine who gets what, why they selected particular individuals for certain roles, such as executor or trustee, and so on. Knowing the rationale behind these decisions may help you and your siblings avoid conflict later on, or at least give you all an opportunity to suggest potential changes if you feel that your parents may have overlooked important considerations.
“Parents sometimes don’t realize the impact their decisions can have on the relationships between their children,” says Lyders. “Once you put one child in charge of their siblings’ money, it creates the potential for conflict.”
Unequal inheritances and the logistics of caring for elderly parents are common flashpoints in sibling relationships—but they don’t have to be. What’s important is that everyone enters these situations with their eyes wide open and commits to keeping the lines of communication open.
Yourself
When juggling so much responsibility, it can be easy to forget that you must take care of yourself as well. Don’t let your obligations to others get in the way of developing a solid plan for your own retirement and legacy.
With so much to consider, don’t forget that you don’t necessarily have to go it alone. Working with a trusted financial professional can help to alleviate the stress and strain of trying to keep your multigenerational family on track for long-term success. With a little help, you may be able to develop a plan that addresses everyone’s concerns and makes it so that your family can stay strong, together, no matter what challenges you may face in the years ahead.