How couples can navigate different views

“The girls want to know more about our financial planning.” That’s what Ada said to her husband, Dominic, when she returned home from having lunch with their 2 millennial daughters, both married with children of their own. Ada explained that their elder daughter is having conversations with her in-laws about their planning, and of course she told her sister. “Both girls are frustrated we don’t do the same,” said Ada.

Now in their late 60s, Ada and Dominic have never shared information about their finances or planning. In fact, they don’t even talk much about it as a couple. Dominic does the planning, and they’ve always had an “understanding” that Ada was OK with that. And why would they talk with the kids?

“That’s not what we agreed on,” replied Dominic. “We’ve never talked to them about stuff like that.” Ada let the conversation drop and changed the subject. But she knew her daughters wouldn’t give in so easily, and that was OK with her.

A lack of planning conversations in families isn’t unusual

A lack of spousal conversations around planning is fairly common. The Later-in-Life Conversations Study of The Generations Project^SM discovered that of those baby boomers who rate legal and financial planning as their most relevant later-in-life topic, only 19% are talking to their spouse. And not surprisingly, only 14% of those same baby boomers are actively talking to their kids.¹

Our research also found a noticeable gender difference among parents, with more moms than dads actively talking to their kids. It is interesting that financial transparency and legal and financial planning are the top-2 topics moms are talking more about.² The point is, they are not just “chatting.”

Assumed agreement can shut down generational conversations

Couples and families often fall into patterns of assumptions around their roles and conversations. The assumptions can be rooted in our families of origin and in cultural practices, or they can just evolve in the early stages of our relationship. For Ada and Dominic (and generally with all of us), there is some combination of all of these.

But problems can arise when our relationships are filled with assumptions. First and foremost, it’s that we, well, assume in the first place. Our assumptions can create a self-reinforcing pattern in our relationships. And when we add the belief that we have “agreed” to them (forever), tensions can build through time.

What happens when our assumptions get out of date? This is the case with Ada and Dominic. Dominic assumes his role of managing the day-to-day finances means all financial planning is up to him too. And he further assumes that Ada continues to be uninterested in planning, even as the family grows and changes.

As for the daughters, Ada knows they have never talked about money and planning with the girls, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t. And she knows the girls aren’t only focused on the money. They are concerned about their parents’ planning around health, worried about what to do if something were to happen to one of them, and, yes, wondering about the financial realities of the family.

Alignment steps above assumptions and forced agreement

The way to break out of this conversational stalemate is to step above assumptions and what you have or have not agreed on. Focusing on agreement forces debate around a yes/no frame or sets up a passive-aggressive silence. Ada and Dominic had entered into that passive-aggressive silence place, mainly because Ada didn’t want to fight about what they had supposedly agreed on.

When our center coaches couples who end up in this situation, we encourage them to pause and focus on alignment rather than agreement. Alignment is a higher-level concept that elevates the conversation to the emotional and relational space. It focuses on expressing wishes and fears and establishing a shared vision with guiding principles to direct their planning.

Here are 3 frames to help you practice alignment as a family.

1. Connect at the emotional-relational level

It is easy to get stuck focusing on the functional-financial parts of planning. But the family’s closeness and connection through time is in the emotional-relational space. So “toggle” the conversation. Start by describing how you’re feeling, rather than debating what you have agreed on or quizzing someone about their plans.

Here’s what that could sound like—in a couple and with their children.

Couple: “Dominic, I am feeling disconnected from you around our planning. And I am sad we can’t talk about it. Especially about the girls. They just want to care for us and that means talking about the future.”

Children: “Mom and Dad, I’m not sure exactly how to raise this, but I am worried because I don’t know what your wishes would be if something happened to one of you. Can we talk about your planning and what our role will be?”

2. Create a shared vision around your wishes

Wishes—and their flipside, fears—are the most intimate parts of a person. Surfacing individual wishes and fears anchors us in the things that really matter. Once we hear them, we can create a shared vision that pulls us out of assumptions about the future.

Here are wish-fear questions Ada, Dominic, and the girls could explore to help them align around a shared vision.

• What are your fears about planning together for the future?
• What are your wishes for how we can all feel more connected?
• How do we envision our later-in-life years as a family?
• What would a shared vision of our planning together look like?

Here’s what a shared vision for the family might sound like.

“We want everyone in the family to feel safe to ask questions and to have the information they need to care for one another into the future.”

3. Set up principles that will guide you toward that vision

With your vision in place, ask yourselves, “What principles can we follow that will help us get there?” A principle is an idea that guides your thinking and behavior. It gives you an alignment touchpoint to keep you moving forward together.

Here are some examples of guiding principles that could help Ada and Dominic navigate planning with their children.

• We want everyone to ask questions, but they are “voice not vote” conversations.
• If someone is impacted by a decision, we know we should get their voice.
• We should speak up when a topic is getting uncomfortable or going too far.
• We will have regular alignment meetings/conversations to test our assumptions.
• We want everyone to feel prepared to navigate an unexpected family event.

Both generations need to trust the process

We often coach families to “trust the process.” It’s a way of saying, “Believe in each other, keep talking, give each other the benefit of the doubt, and let things play out.” Ada and Dominic can acknowledge they have made some assumptions—about each other and the girls—that may be out of date. They can then slowly realign and transition from never talking about planning to starting new alignment conversations. And they can trust the process. This will help their family achieve what all families want—closeness and connection around their later-in-life experience.