Bring your family peace of mind around your planning

Arthur is a senior executive who has worked in financial services his entire career. He loves to plan and takes pride in having everything “ticked and tied.” He has provided his wife, Estelle, and their 3 millennial children with the contact information for his lawyer, Sam, who “knows my financial advisor and will take care of you if anything happens to me.” And whenever the subject of planning comes up, with Estelle or with the kids, Arthur simply says, “You honestly have nothing to worry about. Just call Sam.”

Arthur believes his family should have peace of mind. But his thinking steps over the fact that family members need information and conversations about the planning that impacts their lives.

The Later-in-Life Conversations Study from The Generations Project^℠ discovered that both baby boomers and the next generation (Generation X and millennials) rank peace of mind as one of their top-2 most relevant later-in-life topics. Yet it is one of the least talked about topics for both generations, and 66% of parents are unwilling to talk about peace of mind with their children.¹

When families are left wondering, they don’t have peace of mind

In our research, we defined peace of mind as how family members feel about the information, transparency, access, and conversations they are having. It’s an emotional experience they have today around plans that will play out someday. That includes how they feel about their engagement on functional topics like a will, setting up a trust, naming beneficiaries or an executor, assigning health proxies, or making plans for future dependent care.

To help families reflect on peace of mind, Fidelity Center for Family Engagement (FCFE) founder Dr. Timothy Habbershon developed the concept of “wondering anxiety.” He describes it this way: “When people are left wondering what might happen if there is an unexpected health incident, or whether a parent has enough money to retire, or how an estate plan might impact their future, it creates a type of chronic anxiety.”

He goes on to explain how to create peace of mind. “The flip side of wondering anxiety is transparency and conversational sense-making. Don’t make people wonder. Talk to them. Be transparent. Share information. Allow them to ask questions.”

So, if you are a planner like Arthur, but your family still has wondering anxiety, what can you do differently to give them more peace of mind? Here are 3 steps you can take to engage your family.

1. Ask your family what they are wondering about related to your planning

Step into the wondering anxiety in your family. Adopt a curious mindset by asking open-ended questions that begin with “what” or “how.” Then focus on exploring what they tell you with follow-up questions. Hold off on asserting your view or explaining the rationale behind your current approach.

Here is what it might sound like for Arthur to explore what Estelle and the kids are wondering about:

• “What are you wondering about related to my planning?”
• “What is creating anxiety for you around our later-in-life planning?”
• “What would help overcome your anxiety about the future?”

2. Ask your family how they would like to be involved in your planning

At FCFE, a guideline we share with families is “When someone is impacted by a decision, they should have a voice and maybe a vote.” It’s a perspective that is easily overlooked by diligent planners like Arthur. There is often an “I know what’s best” or “I will take care of this” control over the process. In reality, seeking input from your family is a way to make more-informed decisions while creating peace of mind and closeness with others.

Arthur can invite his family to talk about their involvement in his planning. He can do that by asking process questions—ask “how” someone is experiencing something, not about the content of a plan. It sounds like this:

• “How are you feeling about my planning process?”
• “Do you have enough voice in the process?”
• “What could I do differently to bring you peace of mind?”

3. Ask your family to co-create the later-in-life experience they want to have

Don’t get stuck viewing later-in-life as a time where you just plan for a “someday” future event. The later-in-life experience is about you and your family living and planning together “today.” Families have peace of mind when they co-create how they want to spend time together, how they may want to help each other, how they want to handle a more dependent lifestyle, and what the financial realities are for all generations into the future.

Here’s what it might sound like for Arthur and his family to co-create their later-in-life experience.

• “What does spending time together look like for us during this next season of life?”
• “What needs and interests do you have today that we might help with?”
• “How should we handle more dependent living … continuing to live in our home … driving … health and care management … our wishes for longer-term care … financial considerations?”

Peace of mind comes from a shared planning process

The way others feel about our planning can be the result of “how” that planning is happening. When our families can talk about their worries, get information about our thinking, and participate in the planning process, they have much less to wonder about. And that sets us all up to achieve the ultimate goal of our planning—to “take care” of our family while bringing them peace of mind for today and for that someday future.