Is your gifting fair?

Parents give financial gifts to their children throughout their lives. It can be as simple as money on a birthday and as significant as a down payment for a house or a “someday” inheritance. But there is a common theme around parental gifts, especially in families with siblings: Is the gifting fair?

Wrestling with questions of fairness begins early in our parenting journey. And we mostly default to “fair should be equal” because it seems like the “right” thing to do. (In the moment, it is definitely the easiest thing to do.) The problem is that our drive around “fair is equal” takes on a form of mythology. The belief becomes so absolute that any other consideration seems inherently wrong and, of course, unfair.

Dr. Timothy Habbershon, founder of the Fidelity Center for Family Engagement, describes family tendencies around gifting this way: “Ironically, the more there are differences within families, the more parents tend to default to ‘fair is equal.’ It’s a way to simplify a complex situation and create a sense of safety by avoiding what may seem like a hard conversation.”

He goes on to say, “Not involving people in gifting conversations can lead to relationship tensions and decisions that don’t take into account the larger interests of the family.”

So how should we think about gifting and fairness? Here are 7 myth-busting considerations for you to reflect on.

1. Fears about fairness shut down conversations

Research from the Later-in-Life Conversations Study of The Generations Project^SM found that one of the top resistors to talking—for both the senior and next generation—is a concern that conversations will “create conflict around fairness.” What’s more, the next generation rates conflict around fairness as the number one resistor that makes them unwilling to talk with their parents about planning topics, including gifting.¹

When our fears become resistors to talking about important topics like fairness, it’s time to reflect on our approach. Do your fears around fairness keep you from talking to your children or your parents about gifting?

2. Different needs and circumstances aren’t addressed

“All things being equal, fair should be equal.” But in life, all things are seldom equal. Equal means everyone gets the same thing. But what does fair mean? Fairness takes into account individual differences and circumstances.

Fairness considerations are interesting in families where siblings are in very different life and financial circumstances—a school teacher versus a banker … a health crisis or loss of job … a child whose in-laws have significant wealth. When these realities are considered, a parent’s approach to gifting takes on an added layer of complexity. This makes talking about these differences even more important. Can your family talk about differences as you weigh your gifting options?

3. Maybe it should still be equal

Our team coaches families to use “Yes … And” to frame conversations. “Yes, my sister is a music teacher while I am an investment banker … And I have worked hard and shouldn’t be punished for that.” Now there is a conversation. Just because circumstances are different doesn’t mean a parent should default to “fixing” things with their decisions around gifting.

A parent’s role is to start the reflection and tee up the conversation. And to remind everyone that inviting voice in a conversation about gifting does not mean giving up vote. Children get to share their thinking. Parents get to decide. Can your family talk about different circumstances AND honor the decisions of those giving a gift?

4. Fairness is always a perception

Even if we try to be fair by making everything equal, others may not see it as fair. That’s because fairness is always a perception. No two people will share the same view about what fair looks like. If parents give one child a gift to pay bills during a hard time and then give another child an equal amount, it doesn’t mean the siblings will see it as fair. In reality, there is no formula for determining what makes something fair.

This emphasis on perceptions gives us a guiding principle: We cannot know what someone feels and thinks about the fairness of our giving unless we ask them. Does your family create space to talk about perceptions of fairness?

5. Fairness is part of a larger life journey

Here is another fairness guiding principle we use in our coaching: Different things for different people at different times. The point of this principle is that “fairness” is part of a larger life journey. It can’t always be precisely measured in the moment. If a parent supports one child to study abroad, do they owe a trip or money to the other children to keep things even?

The goal of a caring family system is to support and help each other in their journeys. Overall, we can keep fairness and equality in mind, but if we keep a financial ledger, it will eventually become an emotional ledger. Can your family talk about giving different family members different opportunities through time?

6. We can talk about our hesitancies

The hesitancies families experience in talking about fairness are actually an opportunity. Each of them can become a topic for conversation. We coach families to use the skill of "Process Out Loud" as a conversation starter. It involves saying out loud what you are feeling and thinking as a way to create safety for people to join you in conversation.

Here’s what it could sound like if the senior and next generation used Process Out Loud to start a conversation around fair and equal.

Senior generation parent: “I’m feeling hesitant to raise this, because I don’t know where the conversation will take us. But I think it’s important for us to talk about my interest in helping your brother’s children with education when you don’t have children.”

Next generation sibling: “I’m feeling worried I will come across as ungracious, but I’m wondering if we can talk about how you helped my sister buy a new house. Will we all get that opportunity?”

Can your family step into their hesitancies and talk about fairness topics?

7. Curiosity is the ultimate connector

Be curious. Ask questions. Listen more than you talk. And stay with the story by following up on whatever someone shares. By showing genuine care and interest in each other, you will not only learn what’s important to someone else, you can also surface larger topics that are important to your planning.

In this way, conversations about people’s views on fairness are a door for your family. Can you see talking about fairness as an opportunity to explore the different views in your family?