Ever argue with your spouse or partner about money? Or avoid raising certain topics? Or wish you talked more? If you would like to get better at talking about money, you aren’t alone.
Fidelity’s 2026 Couples & Money Study1 sheds light on the impact that conflict, disagreement, and arguments have on how much couples talk about money.
- Couples believe they can talk about money. Ninety-one percent of adults in a long-term relationship believe they can talk openly and honestly with their spouse/partner about finances, and 79% rate their ability to communicate about finances as “good” or “excellent.”
- Yet they often avoid talking. Nearly half (49%) avoid money conversations to prevent disagreement or conflict, 29% talk regularly about day-to-day finances, and 31% talk regularly about longer-term financial decisions.
- And they have a desire to talk more. Sixty-four percent say their financial relationship needs work, and many wish they talked more about day-to-day finances (50%) and longer-term decision-making (41%).
Focus on understanding not agreement
When we get locked in cycles of avoidance and conflict (or fear of conflict) around financial conversations, it’s often because we are overly focused on trying to agree. At FCFE, we believe agreement is the final phase of a conversation, not where it should begin. And we help couples unlock their financial conversations by starting with a more reflective curious approach. The goal is to achieve a deeper understanding of what your spouse/partner is thinking and feeling on a topic, before debating agreement or forcing a decision.
“When couples have differences, they may focus on trying to change each other’s view or on pointing out how the other person is wrong,” says Dr. Timothy Habbershon, founder of FCFE. “A more curious approach shifts that focus to understanding the other person by exploring what’s behind their views and how they might see the situation. It’s a way for each of us to do our part to ensure we stay in relationship, even when a topic is hard to talk about.”
Here are five hints for taking a reflective curious approach that can unlock your financial conversations. (You can read more about the skills behind these hints in our article, Family conversations are a skill-based sport.)
1. Take time to just ask questions
One way to avoid getting locked in disagreement is to have a one-sided conversation. This is when one person only asks questions without sharing their views or debating what they hear. You start with open-ended questions and then follow the story you hear from your spouse/partner until they feel their view on the topic is understood. Then switch and have them ask you questions. This allows you both to explore what’s behind each other’s thinking or decision without getting stuck in a back-and-forth debate. And after you have both shared your thoughts, wrap up the conversation by asking, “What did we learn about each other and the topic?”
2. Know when you are hooked
In order to stay curious and connected, we need to know when we are “hooked” by the intense emotional energy around trying to agree. That energy and reactivity often arrives when we don’t feel heard or understood or when there is some deeper sentiment underneath our views. Practice noticing the difference between when you have a strong view and when you are hooked and can’t step out of the emotion. Learn to press pause so you can reset and re-enter the conversation without the reactivity. It sounds like this: “I’m super reactive right now. Can we pause?” “I would like to reflect more on what I am feeling and where that is coming from.”
3. Avoid absolute language
To talk through differences without conflict, we can share views in a way that invites the other person into conversation. If we express our views using absolute words like “never,” “always,” “should,” or “have to,” it’s going to be difficult to avoid conflict, disagreement, or debate. Instead, be intentional about using phrases that show you don’t think you have it all figured out and are giving someone space to join you. It sounds like this: “I’m not sure if this is right….” “My current thinking is ….” “I wonder if it would be helpful to ….” “What would it look like if…”
4. Share what you are feeling not just thinking
Leaving our feelings about the topic or decision unexpressed can create a disconnect between what we are talking about and what’s going on inside us. That disconnect can lead to an underlying tension in the relationship. So, learn to share feelings in a way that your spouse or partner can hear. It sounds like this: “I’m worried we can’t afford this and would like to explore what unexpected costs might come up.” “I am frustrated that we didn’t talk about this in advance and would like to step back and talk about the process.” “I’m sad that this topic is creating conflict with us.”
5. Revisit conversations that didn’t go well
No matter how reflective we are, we can still inadvertently create conflict or step over the other person’s experience. When that happens, go back and reprocess the conversation, which is much more than an apology. It’s about sharing your reflections about what happened, how you are feeling, and your contribution to it. It sounds like: “I know that my defensiveness shut down the conversation. It makes me sad to watch how it affects you. Can we try talking about it again?” “I was really anxious about this decision and didn’t do a good job listening to your perspective. I will focus on asking more questions.”
Making decisions that feel good to both of you
“At some point, you have to move forward and make a decision,” says Habbershon. “But trying to do that before you both feel ready tends to create tension and conflict. Instead, slow down, be curious about each other’s views, and make understanding your priority.”
Once you have a deeper understanding of each other’s views, you can ask, “Where are we in relation to a decision?” You may find there are new options on the table. You may be more aligned around the original decision. Or you may be more open to deferring to the other person, because the tension has been defused and you felt heard. And if you still aren’t ready to agree, you might put the decision off for awhile or agree to explore more options, possibly with someone you both trust.
The punch line is that once you have a track record of hearing and understanding each other, rather than muscling to agreement, the tension and fear of conflict will lessen, and you will have new routines for making financial decisions.